People will just come up and rub your belly without asking. Seriously and it got old and creepy fast. One male co-worker would always rub the lower part of my belly so one day I reached my hand out, rubbed his belly, and asked when he was due. Let’s just say he never touched my belly again.
When your water breaks it doesn’t stop till the baby is born. How come no one told me that tidbit of information? My water broke at 3 am and I didn’t give birth until 12 hours later. First off, I was hoping my water wasn’t going to break so I could hold off going to the hospital as long as possible. If you didn’t know, you have to go to the hospital within the next hour after your water breaks. I was standing at the hospital check-in desk doing the potty dance because my water was everywhere and dripping down my legs. So embarrassing.
Glow? Psh! How about teenage acne on steroids! Okay so mine wasn’t that bad. I started off with a glow and 6 months in I had forehead pimples. Ugh. They lasted for only a couple weeks, but talk about insecurity at its finest.
Stretch mark creams do nothing. I slathered on belly creams, butters, and oils at least 5 times a day everyday. You would think I wouldn’t have any stretch marks right? Wrong. I look like a crazed tiger attacked me. Let’s just say I don’t know if I will ever feel comfortable in a bikini again.
A surprising amount of men are attracted to you. I was surprised how often I was hit on with a basketball belly. Like seriously?! I’m fat, I have intense farts, and there’s a human being inside me. One guy told me I was the hottest pregnant chick he has ever seen. I responded with “What about your wife who had your four kids?!” Some men disgust me. Others seem to like the fact that you’re fertile. Cavemen.
Everything gets darker during pregnancy. I’m talking poop, your nips, and the line on your stomach. Luckily things go back to normal afterwords.
Don’t have difficult veins like me. The nurse will have problems and your blood will squirt all over her face.Granted this isn’t pregnancy related but it happened to me. I had to go back for more blood work to prove I didn’t give the poor nurse any diseases.
You can’t eat during labor. When my water broke I went straight to the hospital and didn’t feel any contractions until 8 hours later. Let’s just say homegirl was hungry and watching Pat eat Subway in front of me did not make me happy.
Don’t think you won’t be a part of the 1% statistics. My last month of pregnancy I had a condition called PUPPPS. Basically, I had hives all over my body from my torso to the soles of my feet…ouch! Walking would feel like I was stepping on bubble wrap, and I would scratch my feet like a dog. I would even wake up in the middle of the night bleeding because I was scratching myself in my sleep. I was told after I gave birth it would go away. Wrong. It went away about 2 weeks later when the pregnancy hormones started leaving my system. Let me tell you…PUPPPS is for the birds.
Childbirth can be fun. Hear me out. I think I had a good childbirth experience because I had a sucky last month of pregnancy. The doctor, nurses, Pat and I were laughing our butts off between contractions because we were watching Knocked Up. I was actually giving birth the same time Katherine Heigl’s character was, and my doctor was out of town like the movie. I wasn’t screaming in pain I was laughing! I had an epidural shortly before giving birth so that may have had something to do with it. I waited for as long as possible until I got it because I didn’t want to slow the process or receive any pit.
You’re going to wear diaper sized pads after birth. Why didn’t anyone tell me that? You seriously have the worst aunt flo for weeks. Plus, you have a cleaning ritual after each bathroom visit with a squirt bottle. No tp allowed. Oh yeah, and you rock some sexy mesh granny panties. If childbirth didn’t turn your man on these sure will.
Buy Tucks for after childbirth. You will thank me later.
You can’t control your gas. You probably already knew this, but it’s worth noting. I’ll just say I have a “friend” who ripped a big one in the middle of a busy store and waddled away as fast as possible while people laughed and stared in disgust. Again, not my…errr my friend’s…best moment.
You will get leg cramps up the ying yang. At least I did. It blew chunks. Every single night I would have the most excruciating leg cramps and it would get harder for me to do anything about it when I could barely grab my calves.
Your boobs will look awesome. I went from a D to a DDD. Then, after I quit breastfeed they were Cs. For a short period of time they were Bs and I cried in the Victoria’s Secret dressing room. Luckily, they don’t look like deflated balloons or something out of Nat Geo. Thank you boob genes!
Pregnancy brain is real. You might even put your milk in your cabinets. Just saying.
After you give birth your stomach laughs back at you. You laugh, your stomach laughs. It’s like it’s taunting you saying “you’re still fat, sucker!”
In the end, none of it matters because you have a beautiful baby in your arms.The moment I put Damian on my chest, called his name, and he looked lovingly at me is one of the best moments of my life. Your heart instantly melts and you aren’t aware of anything but the beautiful miracle.